The guy I like is coming down from Lubbock tomorrow for Christmas vacation and I’ve never been so nervous! So basically, we went to high school together and always knew of each other, but never talked. Then recently, we started talking and he’s become the best part of my life. I’ve never met someone so similar to me and someone that I wouldn’t want to change anything about. I used to date guys as if they were projects, always trying to fix them so they’d fit me perfectly. What I have now is something entirely different from what I’m used to, he accepts me for how and who I am. He appreciates my odd quirks and random spurts of randomness. I feel like we’re meant to be together. I know that sounds silly and rushed, but this feeling is like being reborn again. I always thought I had a good idea of what love/like is, but I don’t think I really have until recently. I was so blinded by the former person I was with and I thought that’s how being in love was suppose to be. I thought not being able to communicate properly, arguing on a daily basis, cussing at each other, or accusing infidelity was normal. It all sounds so stupid now that I’ve actually got it written down on paper, but I was so wrong. I feel like I just woke up from a nightmare and the guy of my dreams is now in front of me. I just want to grab his hand and take on the rest of what life has to offer and all it’s blessings ahead.
I think I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been, ever, when it comes to liking someone. He’s literally the whole package and my heart is full of smiley faces and exclamation points. It’s so weird knowing someone in high school as an acquaintance, then realizing how easily y’all end up clicking. He’s exactly a foot and two inches taller than me and he makes my heart flutter. I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling this way again. Or that people like him still exist. Uno problem-o, he goes to college six hours away. The heart wants what the heart wants. I have a good feeling about this.
I ended things with Joey before they really began. It’s for the best and I have good intentions. I’m glad he took things so well, what a great guy.. It’s just.. I’m just.. I’m not ready and I need time to myself. It’s like I’ve become so accustomed to ‘we’, that I lost myself in the process. Five long years of being a part of someone’s ‘we’ really took a toll on me and made me question who I am as my own separate entity. I want to be free, I don’t want to feel confined by another person. I don’t want to be anyone’s anything.. Even if that does mean being alone.
I woke up in the middle of the night crying because I missed you. Everything is hitting me so hard lately and I’ve come to the realization that you’ll never be mine again. That’s what I wanted though, right? To no longer have you in my life? I haven’t talked to you in over a month, and I still think about you every day. Every fucking thing reminds me of you. Certain places, certain things, certain songs… certain bits of everything. You’ll forever be the person I love the most. Even if I wasn’t that person for you. You seem happy. I’m glad you’re happy with your life, even if it excludes me. That’s what you do when you really love someone though, right? You let them go.
I’m scared that you’ve permanently ruined love for me. I put my entire being into everything we were. I used to be such a hopeless romantic, but now it’s gone. I have the right everything, but I feel so unattached. I don’t know if I want to be anyone’s anything… Does that make me a shitty person?
Tumblr is for my personal posts, Twitter is for my pointless thoughts, and Facebook contains my rants. Each of my social networking sites have a set purpose. haha
I’m having a real hard time and I wish I could feel normal. My mind is just a whirlwind of emotions. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, where the house is spinning and she ends up in this mind fuck of a place. Like, that part where they’re in a field of poppies and fall asleep and wake up confused and decide to follow the yellow brick road because it supposedly leads to a happily ever after. Ramble ramble ramble. I do not know where I’m going with this. All I know is that I miss you sometimes, but I’d never tell you that. Time to move on….
Eleanor & Park, by Rainbow Rowell
It’s so weird to like someone new. I haven’t had someone treat me this well, ever. It’s nice to know that I make someone as happy as they make me. I’m glad he can open up to me and there’s a mutual attraction between us. He plays with my hair and never fails to brighten up my day. He kisses my head and holds my hand while he drives. He’ll watch Adventure Time with me and let’s me pick where to eat. He sets his alarm just to wake up before me to tell me good morning. He makes me feel safe and wanted. It’s all too good to be true. Why do I feel so paranoid?